And she is not good or bad
Oh, but she wants all she could have
Your soul’s familiar call
This is it… I am and
It’s not like me
[Claire Voyant - not like me]

My silence is equal to my lack of passion. I am adrift in a sea of “I don’t care” and “I’m too tired” and “It doesn’t matter” - but it does matter and I do care, I’m just too tired and pained to admit it or do anything about it.

Depression is embarrassing. It’s humiliating to admit that I don’t have the drive to finish anything, that all I do seems to be sit around on my ass and think of nothing, or dream wistfully about the things I’d like to be accomplishing, if only I had the passion, the energy, the stamina, the will.

And people look at me and see a “healthy” person, which I can’t blame them for - and they wonder why I can’t just shake this off and get to doing… obviously it should be that easy. Just make yourself motivate, Xi.

It isn’t. I wish it was.

I went to NYC recently. For most of the time I was there, I was energized, more than I have been in ages. I came home full of hope, ideas, thoughts.
I know that living here takes away some of that zest for life… no sidewalks, no bustling creative energies, no ever-changing wall of humanity to observe. I barely even have friends here. And of course, I’ve been becoming more isolated again, but that’s a side effect of the depression, too, that need to cut myself off from everything. It hurts me to be open like that - physically hurts. That stupid Cymbalta commercial about depression hurting? I really wish it wasn’t true. I get an ache inside, like someone was slowly squeezing my heart and lungs. My bones ache. I feel weak and ineffective.

What’s worse is that I hate hate hate talking about it, admitting it, telling people just what’s going on and how I feel. Like I said, it’s embarrassing… and I know that so many people discount these feelings. I understand it, and I wish I didn’t sound so whiny and weak. But I guess the only other options would be to either fake that everything is fine, or stop talking again. And I am tired of not communicating. I know that hurts my friends and family, too… and there’s enough hurt going on already without that.

And you might tell me the truth
And I might be reminded of you
In everything I see and that I feel
You might be…

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: depression, mental health, this is who we are

It’s my life, don’t you forget… *

It was a day out. [A day in!] Rob and I decided that we needed an adventure, so we wandered to NoDa and wandered around for a while… we had a quick and light meal at Cabo’s Fish Tacos [they have lots of other stuff too, and a great atmosphere!] and then went to the Boulevard Gallery for a quick gander… then of course wound up at Amelie’s French Bakery. I’m writing this entry from there while sipping on some excellent coffee and recovering from the chocolate mousse cup pictured above. Seriously… a 24/7 bakery? Sign me up. I love this place.

We also managed to just miss a TORNADO that hit Cleveland County on our way out… wow. Hopefully our apartment will still be there on our return. *meep*
The weather’s been steady-on rainy, Springtime-a-riffic lately, and my freshly seeded balcony garden seems appreciative. I already have some mesclun mix seeds a-sproutin’ and my small herb plants look healthy and happy. I love being a gardener, and I’m really hoping that I do well this year, so that we can add the veggies of my labour into our meals.

To add a little depth to this post, I have been both riddled with Deep Thoughts about my direction in life, and driven with the desire to fine tune some slacker aspects of day to day existence. I will elaborate more as I firm up plans, but let’s just say that there will be more cooking at home and Xiane care-taking to come. It’s something that I’ve been neglecting severely, and I deserve better! I’m the only Xiane that I’ve got, after all.

Have you made new plans for your future lately? Anything that you’ve been wanting to improve in your life? I’d love to hear all about it!
*thank you, Talk Talk!

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: amelie's, coffee, gardens, this is who we are

NOT SAFE FOR WORK. DELIRIOUSLY FUN. HELL YEAH. [okay, I'll stop yelling now]

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: love, music, rainbowrama, video

Weather: hot. Damn hot for April.
Mood: a bit worn but overall upbeat.
Location: on the deck at Broad River Coffeeshop, under an umbrella.
Music: Morrissey, of course.

So hello there… radio silence broken at Chez Xiane, and no worries - things have been as up and down as anyone can expect in this life, but I’m doing well nonetheless.

Update-like things:

• increased Cymbalta dosage. This seems to be effective for now, and my moodiness has been muchly decreased.
• one thing I notice when I’m depressed: I don’t listen to music as much. Lately, I’ve been consuming new music at an alarming rate.
• I’m sick to death of a lot of my clothes and I want some changes.
• I’ve been working very hard on my business, spinning MANY yarns this month. I really do love spinning… so relaxing.
• My hair is long as hell. Seriously.
• My dreams have been amazingly vivid and bizarre lately. I suspect it has to do with the allergy medication that I take, Singulair. Another friend of mine mentioned recently that it gives her nightmares… for me, the dreams are just epic and memorable. So weird.

So there you go. I’m quiet all this time, and I have nothing substantive to give you in exchange for my silence. That’s so like me.

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: cymbalta, morrissey, music, useless updates, you tube

We all need the security that belonging brings…*

This weekend, I went back to a place that I wasn’t sure that I’d ever visit again. Not a specific place, exactly - but a kind of conceptual one.
I had a lovely weekend visit from Kristyne and Jay, with our goal being - besides enjoying our time together - to go revisit dear ol’ blighty… I mean, check out the monthly goth/industrial night in Charlotte, Return Of The Bats. Just in case you don’t know, I haven’t been out to *any* club/bar since… Cirque Macabre in Raleigh, 2007.

There’s a couple of reasons for this. One, and most important - my respiratory system has been b0rken for quite some time. It was a serious problem back when I was doing The Dawning, but I sucked it up and just felt terrible for the following Sunday and Monday every week, for much too long. During Cryptkicker, it was getting pretty bad, to the point that I knew that I really needed to keep myself out of those environments for my own good. But it took having to stay in a smoking-allowed hotel room for a weekend when I was already suffering from bronchitis to pretty much smack sense into my head. After that came the failed attempt at the “methacholine challenge” - basically, my lungs were so weak that they couldn’t risk giving me the the methacholine. Eeek! Obviously, after that, sacrificing going out into smoky environments seemed for the best.

Another reason for not going out to the clubs is… well, burnout. I mean, when you DJ every weekend, plus go to other clubs for fun and socializing, eventually you just get kinda… blase. It’s the same songs, the same clothes, the same lights and smells and everything. Even if the crowds are different and the nights vary in satisfaction, eventually it all blurs. How sad is that? I knew it was time for me to step away until I could re-appreciate something that used to bring me a lot of joy.

ROTB was definitely a lot of fun. I met some new folks who were quite lovely, got to see some Charlotte people that I never see enough of, and had a smashing time with K & J, the most wonderful friends in the world. I didn’t get to dance enough, because of the smoke, and I would have liked that. I probably would benefit from showing early and leaving earlier - both because I usually like the more obscure tunes [I could go another long stretch w/o hearing Headhunter again] and because the smoke is less prevalent in the early part of the evening. I don’t need alcohol to fuel my dancing, which is good, since I don’t drink anymore! I just don’t know if I can go every month, because my lungs might not agree.

Of course, I could always buy a cheap disco light, make my own playlist, and have an impromptu dance night in my apartment when I can’t make it out. Ha! There wouldn’t be fun people to talk to, but at least I could dance and breathe.

Anyway… You can’t go home again, but sometimes you can visit. I had some other points here that I wanted to make, but I’ll be damned if I can remember them right now. Ha!

* Joy Division [novelty]

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: breathing is good, charlotte north carolina, everything old is new again, i like tags, night clubs, return of the bats

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
And where does magic come from, I think magic’s in the learning
Cause now when Christians sit with Pagans only pumpkin pies are burning

- Dar Williams [The Christians and the Pagans]

No matter what you believe
No matter where you are
No matter if you think that you’ve been good or bad
No matter if you hate the holidays, or embrace them happily:

I wish for you Peace
Happiness
Love.

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: holidays, wishes

Just a test to see if my cross-platform posting is working. Feel free to comment at http://www.xiane.org if this works!

Bo, Melissa, Xiane at the Charlotte Roller Derby
Originally uploaded by xiane threeravens.

Look at us, in the VIP section! Wooo!

This was the first time that any of us had been to the Roller Derby, and it was a blast! The Charlotte team kicked butt, although they were narrowly defeated at the end of the bout. The best part, though?

MY MONKEYSIS was a guest referee! WOOOOOOO!

It was a damn good time and we will definitely be going back. Bonus points for running into Petzilla there, too. We actually saw quite a few people we knew in one way or another, particularly from vending at Snug Harbor. It was great!

"
The cold light of day
Pours out of me
Leaving me black
And so healthy"

( food trackin' and stuff )

Tags: gettin' healthy

http://producten.hema.nl/

totally safe for work, but it does have sound.
you need flash to view.
don't click on anything, it'll go all by itself. :D

Tags: funny!

Snowy night!
Originally uploaded by xiane threeravens.

SNOW! Snow snow snow snow snow.

... Well, now it's "Wintry Mix." But!

S N O W!!!

Dear Mom,

Thank you for having me. Seriously. That's the best thing that's happened to me. Without that, none of the other awesome things I've seen, done, experienced could have ever been.
That rocks.

Love you!
- Me

Tags: birthdays

I've been super slack on everything LJ, including birthday shout-outs, but this one is special and is not to be missed.

Happy Birthday to the wonderful mustelidmania - because every year you're here is a special gift to the world. ♥

Etsy Green and Clean Guild Trunk Show, Friday, December 14, at 6 pm EST.

Never been to an online trunk show? Well, never fear, we’ve got the details for you:


What do you need to do?
To get there:
Go to Etsy Virtual Labs:

Click on whatever room has the most people.

Guess what - you’re in!*

Online trunk shows are very different from chat, so the practices are different. So please, cooperate with these guidelines:
1. Every seller presenting at the trunk show will do a short presentation: who they are, what their stuff is, and no more than 3 items that their shop offers.
2. Please jot down your questions during the presentation - AFTER the presentation, there will be a Q&A
for all sellers.

It’s preferred that you keep all extraneous talk focused on the trunk show. However, stuff comes up. If you need technical assistance or have an immediate issue during the presentations, please privately message xiane or magickalrealism with any questions.


* You have to have an Etsy account. However, that's really quick and easy and RECOMMENDED if you don't have one already! You'll love Etsy!


***

Seriously, guys - this is a great way to check out the amazing bath and body goodies that my teammates and I make and sell on Etsy. I'd love to see some of you there, if you're able with such short notice!

Tags: egcg, etsy etsy etsy

Check THIS out.

http://www.etsy.com/storque/section/spotlight/article/etsy-finds-television-takes-time/665/


:D

Tags: etsy etsy etsy

Dear Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Cameraman,

Thanks for the cheerleader upskirt shot. I can see that you're either as awake as I am right now, or you're *really* awake. O_o

Dear friends,

Thanks for the support, love, patience, humour, and fun. [and thank you for buying my stuff!] I hope that if you're celebrating the day, it is filled with lots of good things like yummy food and family. No, that doesn't mean you can eat your family.

Dear Cat,

Thanks for being so cute, and also so weird. Watching you steal little bits of our pre-T-Day dinner concocting amused me to no end. You really like butternut squash? Such a bizarre thing you are, Fuzz.

Dear Rob,
Thank you for cooking most of the food today. And for being so amazing. You're so freakin' good to me. I love you.

Dear World,
Thank you for being so beautiful. Today's pretty amazing... any day you give me usually is. :D

Why are you reading this, people? Go forth and... I dunno. Look up at the sky, if nothing else. Do a little dance. Frolic. Live.
Love to everyone,
X

Left from Round I:

Dame Darcy Greatest Hits [weirdness abounds]
Elane The Fire of Glenvore
Joy Electric 1994 - 2002 - The Art And Craft Of Popular Music [2 CD retrospective] $8
Levinhurst Perfect Life [this is Lol Tolhurst's latest project, by the by]
Mesh The Point At Which It Falls Apart
Misery Loves Co Your Vision Was Never Mine To Share
Miranda Sex Garden Madra [if you like Medieval Baebes, this is your CD]
O Quam Tristis Le Rituel Sacre
Gabrielle Roth And The Mirrors Initiation
Side 3 Halfway Under

Round II:

Add N to {X} Loud Like Nature
B! Machine Infinity Plus
The Birthday Massacre Violet
Butthole Surfers Rebrandt Pussyhorse/Cream Corn From The Socket Of Davis
Chirleison A Whisper
Clan Of Xymox Notes From The Underground [couple of tiny scratches on disc], Farewell
Concrete Blonde Walking In London
The Cure Bloodflowers, The Cure
Das Ich Cabaret
The Dreamside Faery Child
Electric Light Orchestra Out Of The Blue
Inkubus Sukkubus Belladonna & Aconite
In Strict Confidence Mistrust The Angels
Ladytron 604, Light & Magic [small scratch on disc, plays great]
L'ame Immortelle Dann habe ich umsonst gelebt [few minor scuffs on disc]
London After Midnight Selected Scenes From The End Of The World
Miriam Scents
Mono Chrome Collapse and Sever [played once]
My Bloody Valentine Isn't Anything [played once]
Gary Numan Scarred [live, 2xcd set] $8
Gary Numan Crazier [three songs + video, rare I believe]
ohGr SunnyPsyOp [digipak is a little worn] $4
Spinal Tap Break Like The Wind [brand new, played once!]
Violet Indiana Roulette
Vespertina The Visions Of Vespertina

COMPILATIONS:
Graver's Paradise
The Ascension Of Motherdance [lots of cool somewhat obscure stuff on here]
Projeckt: The New Face Of Goth
Gothspotting
Love's Shattered Pride: A Tribute To Joy Division and New Order [with The Brides!]
Where's Neil When You Need Him? [Neil Gaiman Tribute w/ Ego Likeness and others] $8
New Dark Age vol 2 [Deathrock, tons of bands, rare] $8
Teenage Kicks [amazing comp of punk, new wave, no wave - a huge crazy 2 CD mix!] $10

My terms are the same as last time:
First to comment gets whatever they're requesting. Paypal ONLY* is accepted. If you don't pay that day or ask me for further arrangements, your choices go back on the pile.
CDs are $5 each unless marked otherwise; shipping is $1.00 for first CD and .50 for each additional CD. That means shipping's cheaper if you buy a lot, you see. I'm here to help YOU! :D
All CDs are in fantastic shape unless noted; cases may have a ding or two. Some are cut-outs. All have booklets and good schtuff.

*a couple of people said that they don't have Paypal. I'll waive that term on a person-by-person basis. Please ask first.

Go to!

Posty McPosterson over here.

So I posted here about CDs that I'm selling. I sold a bunch, still have some left.

Are people interested in buying more from me? :)
I can post up a list later today, if so.

Winter or Summer, my lips try to get dry and unhappy. I created this lip balm to combat my lip issues, and ended up unwittingly creating a powerhouse! The clove version of my Lip Bliss is the original version I created, and has been in high demand since day one. It's amazing!
Lightly tinted with pure minerals, and enriched with organic ingredients, this is just what you need to get you through the winter.
Don't like clove? I also currently have ginger and coffee flavours in my Etsy shop, as well!

Please check out Xiane/Threeravens @ Etsy for Lip Bliss as well as many other organic and wonderful items!