You’ll hang the hearts black
And dull as the night
You hanged your past and start being
As you in ecstasy

Still being cried and laughed at before
Should I be sewn and hugged?
I can by not saying
Still being cried and laughed at
From light to blue

And should I be hugged and tugged down
Through this tiger’s masque?
- Cocteau Twins

I unravel. I sew myself back up. I find a string, dangling, and accidentally [or not] pull at it and find the process renewed. Strings dangle and threads are pulled with needle and patience and old wrinkles in the fabric of me are softened by tears and age and use.

The process, to me, is familiar… but I keep it close when I can, because I am embarrassed to show the repetitive rends and mends to the outside world – both for fear of being judged, and from my own pride. Admitting that something’s wrong acknowledges the issue. Of course, not addressing the problem will never be helpful, because those on the outside have no way to know that behind my smile, I’m hiding pain. Yet admitting the pain is potentially giving away a weakness. Catch-22, around and around, just like my emotions and my thoughts.

The worst of all is conceding that I can’t do as much as I used to do, that my attention and my determination and my concentration and all my other -tions are undermined… by my depression. Too bad that I can’t shun that one. Dun dun.

Sometimes I want to start bashing my head into the wall. It isn’t from frustration [look, another -tion] but more from a desire to control SOME of the pain myself. At least if I smack myself around, I’ll have overrode the annoying phantom ache in my chest/heart/brain. That ache is the hardest thing to explain to people – that it just feels like someone is squeezing my chest, but not in a physical way, exactly. And my heart physically feels heavy. So do my hands, legs, even head sometimes. When I hang my head, it’s because I literally just can’t bear to hold it up anymore, it’s too hard. When it gets that bad, sometimes I just go to sleep for as long as I can stand. [That is, when the insomnia isn't in control.]

But I don’t want to sound complainy, because honestly? I’m working on trying to find solutions, and as hard as it can be sometimes, I still consider myself lucky, and happier than many people probably are. These blog posts serve as explanation of my inner workings, as a history of my struggle, as an update, as an education. I could talk about the joy that the local feral kittens that I’m working to tame brings me, and maybe I will in the next post… but getting this update out first was MOST important, because these things need to be said.

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: catching up with xiane, finding the girl, here i am, music

NOT SAFE FOR WORK. DELIRIOUSLY FUN. HELL YEAH. [okay, I'll stop yelling now]

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: love, music, rainbowrama, video

Weather: hot. Damn hot for April.
Mood: a bit worn but overall upbeat.
Location: on the deck at Broad River Coffeeshop, under an umbrella.
Music: Morrissey, of course.

So hello there… radio silence broken at Chez Xiane, and no worries - things have been as up and down as anyone can expect in this life, but I’m doing well nonetheless.

Update-like things:

• increased Cymbalta dosage. This seems to be effective for now, and my moodiness has been muchly decreased.
• one thing I notice when I’m depressed: I don’t listen to music as much. Lately, I’ve been consuming new music at an alarming rate.
• I’m sick to death of a lot of my clothes and I want some changes.
• I’ve been working very hard on my business, spinning MANY yarns this month. I really do love spinning… so relaxing.
• My hair is long as hell. Seriously.
• My dreams have been amazingly vivid and bizarre lately. I suspect it has to do with the allergy medication that I take, Singulair. Another friend of mine mentioned recently that it gives her nightmares… for me, the dreams are just epic and memorable. So weird.

So there you go. I’m quiet all this time, and I have nothing substantive to give you in exchange for my silence. That’s so like me.

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: cymbalta, morrissey, music, useless updates, you tube

...wow.

Tags: music

From http://stems.venushum.com/remix.action

As a devoted fan of Venus Hum, have you ever wanted to tweak or extend a particular motif of one of their songs? Well...well, now you're in luck...

Venus Hum is offering up several stems of their song "Yes & No", of their new album "The Colors In The Wheel" for you to re-mix, re-create, re-edit and re-construct in your very own way...

Just download the MP3 stems and when you're done having fun, upload them for everyone to hear and rate. We'll except submissions through October 31st; which at that time, he members of Venus Hum will pick their personal best to be included on our upcoming digital only remix EP to be made available on iTunes early in the new year.

So, have it your way...and take your stab at "Yes & No" now...

Tags: music

So after watching people battle it out over music all week, I've decided to enact a New and Official Labeling System for all music. You may henceforth stop using tired labels such as
"goth"
"hipster"
"post-punk"
"klezmer"
and implement my simple system for sorting all bands and tunes.

The labels?

Music That I Think Sucks
and
Music That I Think Rocks.

See how simple that is? Stops all arguing, gives all responsibility to me for determining what you should and should not be listening to at any given time.



I see a problem, I solve a problem. You may all thank me by purchasing large amounts of Music That I Think Rocks.

*curtsey*

edit - forgot to mention that you can thank 155metrocard for getting ol' Morrissey stuck in my head all day. ;)

Tags: i am a dork, i like peanut, music
Feeling: dorky

I'm digging the new Corvus Corax CD, Venus Vina Musica. I'm on the title track and it makes me want to dance around, or perhaps go off on a raid, unwashed and on a shaggy horse.

We'll see how I feel about the rest of the CD, and I'll post a review.

Tags: music
Hearing: Corvus Corax [venus vina musica]

Here's what I've got streaming this time at Radio Xiane - keep in mind that I'll be starting the live shows as of JUNE! I'll kepp you posted!

If you see something you have questions about, or you have a request, fire it my way! This rotation is smaller than then last two, because it will be up for a shorter amount of time.

( Rotation as of 051706 )

Tags: music, radio xiane, rotation

If you didn't make it to the In Tenebris show at Dracula's Daughter, I have some pics from the show that really will drive home that you missed it. :P

The venue is *awesome* and I really enjoyed the club night all around. I recommend it highly! Kudos to dj_mouse and crew.


( more under here! pic heavy. )

Tags: concerts, music, photos

So my friend laurieannhaus made an awesome announcement today. Seems that her band, Todesbonden, is opening for THE GATHERING at JAXX on Sunday March 19th. It is one of only SIX US shows! I know that a few people on my FL like The Gathering, and many of you like female-fronted bands. This is a great chance to see two incredible bands perform!

The tickets can be purchased for a pre-sale price of $17 from Todesbonden. They will send them to your house free of charge!

More details can be found here.

Tags: concerts, music
Hearing: Codec & Flexor - Black Diamonds

Just taking some time to go through my mp3s before cryptkicker_md tonight, and reveling in the diversity of thoughts, emotions, and sounds all in one folder, available to commiserate with me at any time I choose... I have said before that I couldn't imagine living without music, and I am really feeling it right now, when the finely-crafted lyrics set to a simple rock melody really grab at my soul.

I never filled out the meme that I got tagged for all of twice this go round... partially because I was so astonished that as a lover of music, more people didn't want my opinion - and I know that's egotistical, but damn! I was known for my huge collection for ages, it seems weird to me to not even be asked - and partially because I was too damn busy when it came up. But here are some songs I'm really liking/feeling now, in no order of shame or relevance.

Chameleons UK - Swamp Thing
16 Horsepower's cover of Day of The Lords
All About Eve - Scarlet
In Tenebris - At Sea
Ego Likeness - Afterhours [get it from ego_likeness, it is really good]
Killing Joke - Love Like Blood
Dali's Car - The Judgement Is The Mirror
Mantus - Abschied
The Wolfgang Press - Complete and Utter
The Torrents - Christmas Card

Okay. enough out of me.

Tags: music
Hearing: Mantus [wir warten auf den tod]