Did I have fun, back then? I think I did from time to time, although I was consumed with trying to establish who I truly was. I did stupid things, things that I’m lucky to have lived through. I spent too much time in dirty alleys, decrepit houses, squats… I was reckless because that’s when I felt most alive. I didn’t know then what I know now about me [and the world] – I knew I was depressed, but not to the extent. I spent weeks lying in a room, listening to Bauhaus over and over, before I started getting really reckless, taking ridiculous risks… what finally got me up and moving was the challenge to find ways to kickstart life into an “exciting” place.

Sometimes I feel a million years’ worth of distance between the girl that I was, and the woman that I am now. I can look at the photos and see the me that was, but it’s as if I’m looking through a curtain of fog. Then again, there are so many nights that I can’t remember from that time, that it’s hardly surprising that I feel that way!

People who didn’t know me then usually can’t believe that the stories that I tell have anything to do with the me that they know now. People who knew me then often express surprise that I’m where I am. Xiane the enigma, whoop-dee-doo.

I have no idea what I’m trying to say here. I’ve just been lost in thought after stumbling on the above photo in my photos folder. It is always insightful for me to think about how far I’ve come.

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: this is who we are

lyric from In The Wake Of Adversity, Dead Can Dance

How does one find a therapist? That’s my question of late, since I’ve never had need of one. I’m going to see Dr. Naz in the morning, and I’ll be asking her, but really… I’m at a loss. Obviously something more needs to be done, because my issues, my little stupid annoying debilitating isolating painful problem, isn’t getting better.

I’ll report back what I find out from the Good Doc, and elaborate more afterward.

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: rebuilding the girl, this is who we are

And she is not good or bad
Oh, but she wants all she could have
Your soul’s familiar call
This is it… I am and
It’s not like me
[Claire Voyant - not like me]

My silence is equal to my lack of passion. I am adrift in a sea of “I don’t care” and “I’m too tired” and “It doesn’t matter” - but it does matter and I do care, I’m just too tired and pained to admit it or do anything about it.

Depression is embarrassing. It’s humiliating to admit that I don’t have the drive to finish anything, that all I do seems to be sit around on my ass and think of nothing, or dream wistfully about the things I’d like to be accomplishing, if only I had the passion, the energy, the stamina, the will.

And people look at me and see a “healthy” person, which I can’t blame them for - and they wonder why I can’t just shake this off and get to doing… obviously it should be that easy. Just make yourself motivate, Xi.

It isn’t. I wish it was.

I went to NYC recently. For most of the time I was there, I was energized, more than I have been in ages. I came home full of hope, ideas, thoughts.
I know that living here takes away some of that zest for life… no sidewalks, no bustling creative energies, no ever-changing wall of humanity to observe. I barely even have friends here. And of course, I’ve been becoming more isolated again, but that’s a side effect of the depression, too, that need to cut myself off from everything. It hurts me to be open like that - physically hurts. That stupid Cymbalta commercial about depression hurting? I really wish it wasn’t true. I get an ache inside, like someone was slowly squeezing my heart and lungs. My bones ache. I feel weak and ineffective.

What’s worse is that I hate hate hate talking about it, admitting it, telling people just what’s going on and how I feel. Like I said, it’s embarrassing… and I know that so many people discount these feelings. I understand it, and I wish I didn’t sound so whiny and weak. But I guess the only other options would be to either fake that everything is fine, or stop talking again. And I am tired of not communicating. I know that hurts my friends and family, too… and there’s enough hurt going on already without that.

And you might tell me the truth
And I might be reminded of you
In everything I see and that I feel
You might be…

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: depression, mental health, this is who we are

It’s my life, don’t you forget… *

It was a day out. [A day in!] Rob and I decided that we needed an adventure, so we wandered to NoDa and wandered around for a while… we had a quick and light meal at Cabo’s Fish Tacos [they have lots of other stuff too, and a great atmosphere!] and then went to the Boulevard Gallery for a quick gander… then of course wound up at Amelie’s French Bakery. I’m writing this entry from there while sipping on some excellent coffee and recovering from the chocolate mousse cup pictured above. Seriously… a 24/7 bakery? Sign me up. I love this place.

We also managed to just miss a TORNADO that hit Cleveland County on our way out… wow. Hopefully our apartment will still be there on our return. *meep*
The weather’s been steady-on rainy, Springtime-a-riffic lately, and my freshly seeded balcony garden seems appreciative. I already have some mesclun mix seeds a-sproutin’ and my small herb plants look healthy and happy. I love being a gardener, and I’m really hoping that I do well this year, so that we can add the veggies of my labour into our meals.

To add a little depth to this post, I have been both riddled with Deep Thoughts about my direction in life, and driven with the desire to fine tune some slacker aspects of day to day existence. I will elaborate more as I firm up plans, but let’s just say that there will be more cooking at home and Xiane care-taking to come. It’s something that I’ve been neglecting severely, and I deserve better! I’m the only Xiane that I’ve got, after all.

Have you made new plans for your future lately? Anything that you’ve been wanting to improve in your life? I’d love to hear all about it!
*thank you, Talk Talk!

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

Tags: amelie's, coffee, gardens, this is who we are